Weird question, right?
The WHY of our questions is even more important than the WHAT
Not all questions are created equal.
There are several common motives for asking questions:
❓ To learn something you don’t know
❓ To clarify what you think you heard
❓ To help someone else develop their thinking (a classic technique in education, coaching, and therapy)
❓ To make a point (you might have noticed that politicians love a rhetorical question)
❓ To portray yourself as the expert and/or make others feel foolish
That last one is a doozy.
As a woman, and particularly a woman in leadership and business, I could have retired year ago if I had a dollar for every time someone had asked me a question based on that last motive.
Those questions led to me feeling undermined, powerless, lacking confidence, and unqualified for the positions I held – until I learned to recognise what was going on.
Now, I look, compassionately, for the underlying issue that is driving the person asking the question. They generally have an unmet emotional need that they are trying to get others to fulfil.
It’s not always a conscious thing – some people have no idea that’s what they’re doing. But lack of intent that doesn’t reduce the impact.
Sometimes I’ve been able to work with the questioner to help them resolve the underlying issue. Sometimes that’s not been appropriate or possible, or they haven’t been open to a conversation at that time.
What I have learned
Regardless of what happens with the questioner, I get to choose how to respond to these questions – and I’ve learned I don’t have to answer them at all.
Instead of justifying or proving myself, I can move the conversation in the direction I want to go, or leave it entirely. No fuel, no fire.
Why not take a moment today to reflect on WHY you are asking the questions you ask?
And if you find that last motive sneaking up on you (as it does on all of us from time to time), what can you do to address the underlying issue, so that you don’t expect others to meet the need for you?
