Every piece of feedback you’ve ever given or received has been wrong 😱
People hate it when I tell them this, but then they pretty quickly come to realise that it’s true.
We never see the whole picture
We can only ever see a narrow slice of what is happening. And we all have biases that distort what we see.
Then we go and apply interpretations and stories to what we remember (which is never exactly what happened – just look at all the research around variances in witness statements).
So when we decide it’s time to give someone feedback, we’re now working with a distorted story, not the “truth”.
If we launch immediately into giving our feedback without making room for the fact that it is our *interpretation* of what we remember seeing, it puts the person we are giving the feedback to in a difficult position, because there’s a high likelihood we have missed some key information, or misinterpreted what we saw and recall.
So what's the solution?
When you give feedback, take a breath, and start with an acknowledgement that you want to share something you’ve noticed, and have a conversation about it (feedback should never be a monologue!)
When you’re receiving feedback, take a breath, and remind yourself that it is one person’s perspective. You can listen to what they have to say, ask questions to understand their perspective better, and (if they create space for it) share your perspective. Then you can use your self-awareness to decide whether you want to take any of the feedback on board.
It can be helpful to discuss and explore the feedback with someone you trust – a colleague, boss, friend, or peer.
But beware if they unquestioningly take your side – in that case, finding a neutral third party is probably best – and a coach can be invaluable for this, because they are invested in your development, not preserving your ego at all costs!
